The following transcript was smuggled at great risk from a recent high level Corruption Corporation marketing meeting:
Captain Corruption, C.E.O.: "What's wrong with 'Putting Your Money Where My Mouth Is'?"
Richard Johnson, V.P. of Marketing: "Sir, a corporate slogan needs to impart the inherent value of the company's products to the consumer."
Captain Corruption, C.E.O.: "Putting Your Money Where My Mouth Is DOES impart the most important value of our products to our customers!"
Todd Collins, V.P. of Sales: "Sir, with all due respect, you can't expect our sales team to close deals if our customers are told right up front that our products exist for the express purpose of lining our pockets."
Captain Corruption, C.E.O.: "But that IS why they exist, isn't it?"
Todd Collins, V.P. of Sales: "Yes but sir, you can't tell the customers that, or they won't buy, sir."
Captain Corruption, C.E.O.: "So you're saying, what... we should lie to them?"
Todd Collins, V.P. of Sales: "Sir, honesty isn’t how things get sold. You don’t sell a million singing fish at $19.99 a whack by telling people up front how dumb the fish are gonna look on their walls. You don’t sell a million stickers of a toddler peeing on the Ford logo by telling people they will look like ignorant hicks when they apply that sticker to their truck. Sheesh, sir, next you’ll ask the president to sell a war by mentioning that people will get killed…”
Richard Johnson, V.P. of Marketing: "What Todd’s trying to say, sir, is that it's all about branding. It's important that our customers feel good about the products they purchase and the company they purchase from. It's important that our brand is known for the value it provides. That's why we've developed a new slogan, a slogan for today's consumers, a slogan for today's market, a slogan for the 21st century: 'Corruption - A Name You Can Trust'."
Captain Corruption, C.E.O.: "I don't know about this... You guys have fooled me before. Dick, you told me all your market research showed that having red, white and blue and the US Flag all over the website would drive sales through the roof, and it hasn't done squat! Todd, you were just sure that folks these days cared about low carb, diet free, holistic environmental crap, and where's that gotten us? Nowhere, fast! Now you two want to use some touchy feely 'trust' load of bull for this stuff. I keep tellin' ya, it's just tee shirts and bumper stickers we're selling here, not E.D. meds... Ok, fine, we'll try it your way, and this better work. If it doesn't, heads will roll! Now, let's recite the corporate pledge, shall we..."
I Pledge Allegiance to the Fads of the United States of America
And to the consumers on whom they prey
No Money Down
With endless interest and payments for all
Richard Johnson, V.P. of Marketing: One other thing, sir... blogs sure are all the rage, we shouldn't miss out on that angle.
Captain Corruption, C.E.O.: Wait wait wait, lemme get this straight. You’re saying we need a blog now that we have a commerce site? Some place to ramble on about the things we pretend to care about and stand for while we fill up the blog commentary with loosely related or occasionally random links to our products?
I like it!
Sheople In the News with Paula Pawn - July 11th, 2005
This week Paula Pawn presents her in depth interview with Captain Corruption, the controversial and oft confrontational C.E.O. of The Corruption Corporation.
Paula Pawn: Mr. Corruption, since the recent leaks from within your boardroom the rumors have been flying, the chatter has been everywhere, and people want to know... What happened to the Name We Could Trust?
Captain Corruption: What are you talkin about Paula? Nothin happened! The Name You Can Trust logo is available right now... Get out yer wallet and buy it... I padded your network's advertising wallet plenty before this interview, didn't I?
Paula Pawn: Ahem. Yes, yes, I know, the logo is for sale in several fashionable varieties at www.captaincorruption.com, Captain, but that's not what I'm aski-
Captain Corruption, interrupting: Well then what the @#$% are you askin', Paula?!? I mean, you asked what happened, I said nothin' happened, and now you say that's not what yer askin', so what are ya askin'?!?
Paula Pawn: Well, Captain, before the leak, the people of America thought Corruption Corporation stood for something.
Captain Corruption: It did stand for something, Paula, and it does stand for something... It stands for makin' me money! Sheesh! I told those guys in marketing that "Puttin Your Money Where My Mouth Is" was the way to go with the corporate motto. I tell ya, just cuz your name's on the top of the stationery it doesn't mean anyone listens to you.
Paula Pawn: Lets change directions for a moment, Captain. Let's talk about the Blog. There are things about the Blog that America wants cleared up. What is it about, Captain? Is it skewed and ironic media commentary, pop culture news, all too brief movie reviews, libertarian propaganda, bizarre conspiracy theories, some sort of social commentary ... Just what is it?
Captain Corruption: Yes.
Paula Pawn: Yes?
Captain Corruption: Yes. What part of yes don't you understand?
Paula Pawn: Well, it doesn't answer the question, does it?
Captain Corruption: Of course it does! Captain Corruption's Commentary is about whatever I want it to be about. Some days I'm a smart ass, some days I'm a music geek, some days I'm wondering where my country is headed, some days there's something ludicrous that needs to be pointed out, and some days there's just nothing to laugh about.
Paula Pawn: Well, some folks might find the changes in direction challenging...
Captain Corruption: Go figure... Mrs. Corruption finds my moods challenging, too.
Paula Pawn: Also, Captain, some folks might find some philosophical inconsistencies in the Blog.
Captain Corruption: Philosophical inconsistencies? What is that, PC Newspeak for hypocrisy? You goin' soft Paula? What're you getting at?
Paula Pawn: Well, you decry corporate media for its sensationalism and commercialism, for its apparent insatiable need to marginalize editorial integrity in exchange for increased circulation in order to generate greater ad revenue and pad the bottom line, and yet you've placed advertisements on your Blog. Some people might find -
Captain Corruption, interrupting: Didn't we cover this territory already? "Puttin your money where my mouth is". I never claimed to have editorial integrity, did I? I'm gettin about through with your questions, Paula. I've had enough of this crap, I'm outta here.
Paula Pawn: Well, looks like that wraps up our show for this week. Tune in next week when we'll get in depth insights and exclusive video from an Aruban barber who knows a girl who dated a taxi driver who drove Natalie Holloway's Mom to a press conference.
Open Letter to the Corrupt Board of Directors and Shareholders of Corruption Corp.
Originally posted July 24, 2005
Members of the Board and world wide Shareholders of Corruption Corp.,
As the Corruption Corporation's Senior Vice President of Marketing it is my duty to do all I can to protect the good name of the Corruption Corporation. I feel in fulfilling that duty I must express my concerns regarding Captain Corruption, our C.E.O.
Captain Corruption's unsavory and unacceptable behavior for the last month has been an embarrassment for the Corporation and the Corruption brand. With luck and determination Sales V.P. Todd Collins and myself were able to overcome the marketing fiasco that would have come from the "putting your money where my mouth is" campaign, but the Captain has brought shame to our corporate image in other venues.
Two weeks ago we were able to arrange valuable press time in front of network television cameras via the Captain's interview with Sheople in the News' anchor Paula Pawn, and it was an utter fiasco. The Captain was continuously rude with Ms. Pawn, used foul language, publicly disclosed our advertising arrangements with the network, and ultimately walked out on the interview.
Furthermore, Captain Corruption recently displayed a complete lack of taste in avoiding a discussion of the Patriot Act and instead posted stories about naked teen breasts, complete with a picture of a semi nude Cameron Diaz.
Today the Captain not only made light of the potential nuclear threat that terrorists present to our country, he also chose to use that story as a distasteful opportunity to sell our products.
Finally, he has an opportunity to make an impact amongst the artistes of Transcend, but I feel confident based upon a previous discussion with the Captain that he will squander that opportunity.
I can only hope that in bringing these issues to light that the Board Members and Shareholders of Corruption Corporation will consider a more appropriate individual for the position of Chief Executive Officer.
Senior V.P. of Marketing
Originally posted on Transcend
Dick Johnson, my V.P. of Marketing, is just sure I'm gonna drop this ball. He thinks I'm gonna come over here and make a total ass out of myself on my introductory post. He figures I'm gonna come in here all loud mouthed and obnoxious like a big buffoon, tryin to sneak in promotional links left and right, and ya know what? I don't see any reason at all why I should care what Dick thinks! See, I'm pretty sure ol Dick wants my job, and the letter he wrote to my Board of Directors is a sure fire indicator of that, but ya know when you own a majority share you call the shots, board or not. So bring it on, Dickie!
Now, to business.
Transcend holds one of many keys to the doorways of the collective Simian subconscious. Simians everywhere, converted and not, have an inherent need for the unique insights of the free thinking Simians of the world. They want to be surrounded by superior Simian expression and thought. They need to be shaken out of their banal Sapien existence. It is a moral imperative that Converted Simian thought subvert itself into the homes and everyday lives of Simians everywhere... What I'm saying is: So, when are ya gonna get those graphics on posters, tee shirts, jerseys, mousepads and such?
Consumers are consumed with their compulsive consumption, and only through embracing the compulsion, becoming the consumption, can one hope to have a wide scale impact on the corruption. Subversion is the key to Conversion, and for the unconverted Simian his consumption is what you can subvert. In the words of the great Simian J.R. Bob Dobbs, "You'd PAY to know what you REALLY think!"
Please join me now in a recital of the Corruption Corporate Pledge:
I Pledge allegiance to the Fads of the United States of America
And to the Consumers on whom they prey
No money down
With endless interest
And payments for all.